It's Thanksgiving Day

It's Thanksgiving Day. My first holiday of the season in my new home. The clouds are gray and and it's cold and wet out with a chance of a wintery mix as the day wears on.
I am cooking dinner today and am very happy with that. It's a moving forward aspect of my life and it's what I keep doing.
But beyond that I am gratefull for many things. My family and friends who have patiently supported me through the last year plus. As well as the new friends I have met since moving.
I hope its a Very Happy Thanksgiving for everyone.

November 24th..

Michael, today you would have been 54. I wish you were here to celebrate that. But I will celebrate it for you. Happy Birthday Michael.

Memories...

Memories of you still haunt me. Your face I see, your laughter I hear. Please whisper in my ear like you use to. I miss your touch. Memories of you still haunt me, everynight. Even in my dreams. Take my hand once again.
Your voice I still hear, if only in my mind. These memories of you I cherish. Even as the tears stain my cheeks. I miss you everyday Michael. TMD.

Conversations......

Lots of dreams last night. Two of them containing talking to Michael, so much so that I woke myself up still talking to him. I wish I could remember them. I know they were good and that they made me smile. I swore each time I woke up I would remember them. Yet now I can't.
But it was still so great to talk to him if only in my dreams.

The Future?

I was asked the question last night about my future and where I see it. It startled me and I had to think. My honest answer was "I don't see a future for myself". How sad I was when I thought of it and of my answer. My follow up comment was that I hoped to still be living. My answer and comments to that question have haunted me ever since. Do I have a future? I would like to think that I do. I just can't see it right now, at least I hope that is the case.
The Future??????

Life....

Life as I know it includes gray skies with no sunshine. It is very bleak in my world. I try, oh how I try to let the sun in. But it always seems just out of my grasp. My heart and soul seems bound by pain. My world is one that is void of color, no matter my attempts to paint it as something else.

I keep waiting for the day when I can walk in the sun again. To have these heavy chains lifted from my heart. To not have the ache that always is there. A picture I see is no longer of you and me. To wake in the morning and look forward to the day, instead of it being one full of dread. This is my life as I know it.

The world turns and life goes on. I just am not sure how I go on. Without you is there really any reason for it to.

Some Days .....

Some days I get up and go about my life and I seem and act relatively normal. With few thoughts of last summer. Then there are days were I just can't shake it. It's always front and forward in my thoughts.
Then there are days were my heart just hurts, and I feel the void greatly that loosing Michael has left me with. That has been my week. My heart has just hurt. All week. I try to keep busy. To keep my mind occupied with things other then my heartache. It has gotten better as the week has progressed but the pain is always there. Just below the surface. Waiting.
But I will get up tomorrow again and face the day and hope that it is not another one of those DAYS.