Happy Birthday..

Happy Birthday Michael. You would have been 53 today. Your are missed and loved by so many. You touched so many peoples lives.

First Times ......

Well I did not go to Key West this year for the annual Fantasy Fest event. It seemed so weird not to go this year, but without Michael it was probably best that I didn't. It would have been my first without him. Seems like there are so many first times without him.


Tomorrow would have been his 53rd birthday. And yet for me it is another first without him. Michael always had such a fear of dying young. His Mother died when she was 53 and it always haunted him and it was the only thing he feared. He used to tell me that he would give anything to have just one more conversation with her. I understand that feeling even better now.


This Thursday is Thanksgiving, and yes another first for me. My first without him. I will be spending it instead with his brother's family. That is not something we ever did with them. As time passes by there will be so many other first that I experience without Michael.


But I will never forget the first time we met. Hard to believe that was over 10 years ago.

My Last Day At Work

Well Friday October 23rd was my last day at my company. It was very bittersweet. Some tears, some laughter. Some very sweet comments from co-workers. And a really nice lunch with a couple of the sales reps.

It's hard to imagine not going there anymore, but I also know it was the right thing for me to do. I need to find a way to move forward in my life as opposed to feeling like I am locked in limbo.

Everything changed for me on June 28th, but my life has been as if nothing has changed. Like I am just waiting.

So now the next chapter of my life can begin. With a fresh new start and a way for me to move forward without Michael. It is so amazing to me how our lives were so tightly wound together what with work and our home life. It is a rare thing but one that worked for us so well.


My life will never be the same, it will just be different now, and it's up to me to figure out that new life. I am working to create that new chapter and it's one I look forward to.

A Change Is In The Air

There is a change in the air, can you feel it? The days are growing shorter and a chill is in the air.
The leaves are starting to turn and soon they will be falling. Pumpkin patches are starting to appear.

Can you feel it? do you sense the changes? They are coming. Soon the trees and plants will go dormant as the chilly nights start to bring the first of the frost forming air.

Before we know it the first tiny flakes of snow will fall, blanketing us in white. A change is in the air. Some do not look forward to this change, I however welcome it. This is a change I look forward to. This is a change I am ready for.

A change is going to come.........

September 6th Part 2....

So I wanted to follow up with my last post, so as not to lead anyone to think that my day was not a good one.

Quite the contrary. It was a very enjoyable day. A close friend came over and we spent the day out shopping and just enjoying the day. We stumbled across an art show and just enjoyed the afternoon of looking at various artists, making comments, some good, some not so good.

I found a great new piece to add to my collection and J found a photo that I that was very haunting yet inviting that he added to his collection.

After that it was off for a mexican dinner, which J is not found of at all but tolerates for me.
All in all a pretty great day. Thanks for making it so J.

September 6th......

So today is my birthday, I am now 44 years old. So many years have come and gone, so many changes. Some good, some not good, one event was just the worst. But here I stand. I look in the mirror trying to see the man of my youth. He's not there. Still the same face, but it's the eyes that give it away.

A few more wrinkles here and there. The grey stands out a little more prominately, even more in the last few months.

They say with age comes wisdom, it is wisdom or just the reality of going through life? I find it harder to be carefree as I was in my youth. Now I comtemplate the facts before I make a decision. Is that wisdom or just fear?

Two Months Today..

Well, today is a gorgeous day here in the burbs of Chicago, much like it was two months ago. I can't believe that it's been two months to the day since Michael died. I miss him terribly. I miss his voice, his laughter.

There are so many aspects of him that I miss.

I find myself stopping and thinking or even saying outloud "Where did you go Michael"? or "I can't believe that you're really not here with me". Yes life goes on, but it hurts still none the less. I am reminded of him everywhere I go, in almost everything I do. Our lives were that entertwined with each other.

So, in rememberance of Michael, I say "TMD Michael, TMD".

Hummingbirds

My story of the hummingbirds.......


Last year late in spring Michael decided we should have a hummingbird feeder. So off we went to buy one, me knowing full well it was to late in the season to put one out. But I was always good for humoring Michael in the things he wanted.

So, we bought a hummingbird feeder, filled it up with sugary red water to attract them. And we waited, and we waited. Nothing. Michael said to me one day "I guess we waited to late to put one up huh"? I smiled and said "maybe so".

This spring we made sure to put out the feeder early so the birds would know they could come here to feed. So we waited and we waited. And again Michael turned to me and said "why haven't we seen any hummingbirds"? I looked at him and smiled and said " Well remember, we work all day and maybe they come around when we're not home". That seemed to satisfy his concern and on with life we went.

The day of Michael's wake I was upstairs at my desk, looking out over the backyard and what do I see at feeder? A tiny little hummingbird at the feeder. I smiled and tears came to my eyes.
Since that day, I have seen the hummingbirds often, one day there was one feeding on the flowers of the trumpeter vine right outside the breakfast nook windows. After it was done feeding it paused for a moment at the window and looked in, as if to say "Hello in there".

I imagine they will be back from time to time.

When You Least Expect It...

Any of you who have read my blog as of late know that I recently lost Michael. It is the most gut wrenching, heart breaking thing that I have ever endured.

There is nothing like having someone taken from you so tragically and no chance to say all the things you want to say.

I miss him terribly, I wander through this house of ours, and am constantly reminded of all things him and us. Our house was our dream home, it was filled with love and laughter and friends.

To anyone who might read this, PLEASE, I beg you, live your life like there is no tomorrow. Always tell the ones you love that you do love them, for you may or they may not get a second chance to say it

I miss you Michael.

TMD

In Loving Memory...

I lost Michael (M) on Sunday June 28th 2009. Michael was with out doubt the finest man one could ever meet. There was no one better, no one more giving, more accepting and more understanding then Michael. My heart aches and my life will never be the same without him.

I am a better man for having known him.

TMD MICHAEL.

This Thing Called Life

Life, some days it's great, some days it's just so so and some days it just feels like nothing is going right. But I believe that we should each stop and think, OK somewhere, someone has it much worse than I.

Life is what we make it after all, and given a day that maybe is not so great do we ever stop to think "OK, what can I do to turn this day around"?
Maybe if we took that outlook on all aspects of our life we would all have better days and a more enriched experience and less to grumble about as a whole.

Yes some days are more difficult, but do they have to be? Don't we have the power to stop the day from continuing down that path and turn a bad day into a good one?
This thing called life after all does not come with a manual that you can just flip through to solve a problem. There is no troubleshooting section, just whatever knowledge we have or others have passed onto us.

Enjoy your life, focus on the good, not the bad. Remember, it is our life after all and we control it, others may visit it, but it belongs to us.
Live, Laugh and Love through this thing called LIFE.

Past, Present and Future

This is the story of two people, strangers at first. Each know nothing of the other.
Just the desire to consume each others flesh. To bask in the after glow.

A relationship formed out of convenience at first, more then any real bond.
Each fulfilling a need within the other. A relationship soon forms.
And the fire grows within.

What will happen now, where are they today?
All we know of them is their past and the present.
But what about the future.......

Negative or Positive?

That's my question, if presented with a situation do you go for the negative aspect of it? Or do you look for the positive side?

I think it's our nature to first think a negative thought, especially if the situation is not a favorable one, were as we have to stop a moment and ponder things before we can make a positive thought and look for the good.

I try to always see the positive and look for the good, but I know there are times when I go for that negative thought first. So going forward, it's a more positive spin that I will be looking for.

So the next time you are presented with a situation, ask yourself this. Negative or Positive?

Nature

Birds are chirping outside my window, everything is very lush and green from all the rain we have had. But the birds sing anyway.

As I was laying in bed this morning I turned and looked outside my bedroom window, and I spied the bird that had been so vocal, tucked safely in his/her nest, singing and waiting for it's Mother to come and feed him.

Who knew such a tiny thing could be so chirpy, and as I laid there watching the new born bird sing, who should show up but Momma bird herself to feed her young, and I thought it was so great that by just looking out my window I could be a witness to such a moment in nature.
All one has to is open their eyes, you never know what you might see.

Lines From A Song

"DYING IS EASY, IT'S LIVING THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH". Wow what a line huh.
Yet so true, and I never used to think that. Dying was what scared me, I couldn't fathom the idea but now as I get older and people have come and gone from my life, I realize that living really is the hard part, is this the "Hell"? And death is nothing more then "Heaven"? Because surely nothing can be as difficult or as hard at times as just living life.

They say with age comes wisdom, I also think that it prepares us for accepting things that use to scare us. Death I no longer fear, living my life is another matter, that I find is what scares me.

Drop The Top Baby

Ok, I have to say it. There is nothing like leaving work on Friday, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, a light breeze is blowing and I get to drop the top on my TT and cruise on home.

It truly does help to melt the stress and strains of the week by driving home with the sun in my face and the music cranked up. It's such a great way to end the work week.

Chicken Hooters???

Really? Chickens have hooters??? Do the Roosters all stare and gawk and make catcalls at the hens as they pass by, nudging each other in the sides as if to say "hey, get a look at those hooters".

My Family And Facebook.......

So being from the south I just happen to come from a very large family, 13 on my Mom's side and something like 11 or so on my Dad's, unfortunately we weren't as close to my Dad's side as my Mom's.
Most all of my cousins are close in age and so during the summer we spent alot of time hanging out together and driving the parents crazy, some of us were closer then others, but I would say we all loved each other. As we got older some of us moved away while some stayed in the general area and over time we only saw each other on the rare occassion.

Well a few years ago upon our Grandmothers death we all vowed to be better about staying in touch and not letting so much time pass before we gathered again or at least not let the gathering happen because of a funeral.
Emails were exchanged, phones numbers updated and off we went our seperate ways.
And while I did try my best to stay in touch I found the others not so willing, so I finally let it go and went on with my life.

When my Dad died back in June of 2006 ( I miss you Dad) once again the family all gathered and everyone agreed, again, we really should stay in touch, I just smiled and nodded while the bubble above my head said "yea right". I did not even make the attempt, I knew better.

So last week I finally created a Facebook page, and no sooner had I finished completing the few steps and my account activated when I was bombarded by "Friend" request from almost my entire family.I was startled, shocked and amazed that they were ALL on Facebook. It was as if they had all just been waiting for me to catch up and get with the program. I begrudingly accepted each "Friend" request, thinking the whole time, you can't stay in touch by any other means then this?

While the bubble above my head said "yea right".

A Wonderful Sunday

Well what a wonderful Sunday it was. I was up at 7am so M and I could be on our way downtown by 8:15 for what has become our annual May voyage up to Winthrop Harbour where the boat is stored. A quick car ride into the city, then an almost 2 hour train ride, some laughs along the way and some quiet moments to just reflect as this is our first boating season with us no longer being a couple.

His brother was waiting for us upon our arrival and drove us on to the harbour and thankfully the boat was in the water and for the most part ready to go, we filled it up with gas and we were off on our way. The sun was shining bright but unfortunately it was really chilly so jackets and jeans were the dress code instead of my usual speedo, oh well plenty of time for that later.

The water was pretty calm, only waves of about one foot. M set it to autopilot and off we went. A great ride down to the city of Chicago, by the time all was said and done it was after 3 in the afternoon. M commented as the boat cruised closer to our harbour that it was like coming home. I could not have agreed more.

What a great way to spend the day. I can only hope that everyone got out and did something to enjoy the day and reflect on life.

Spring

I love a beautiful spring day.
A hint of chill in the morning when you first rise.
The warmth of the sun on your face.
The clear blue skies.
The drive home from work and it's warm enough to drop the top.
A brisk walk in the evening before the sun sets and everything around you is green and in bloom.
Spring can really hang you up the most.

Words From The Past

So the following is a Piece that I wrote back into 1990, though I'd share it.


"Looking back, our past is our future, times shared, words spoken.
A kiss or touch, are you getting scared?

In one hand I see why I stay with you, for no one has loved me as you.
Never have I given so much of myself.
The other hand is unknown.

Like sands from an hour glass our time is running out. Yet something
in me continues to try and stop time.
But with the will of my own I'm gone."