Death

I think about it a lot. Usually not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. I will start to wonder if the place or places I am driving to will be the day that I have a fatal accident. Or as I am walking somewhere I will have a similiar thought. I know it's morbid. I don't do this on purpose, it just seems to be were my thought pattern goes. Last night Winston my dog was extremely restless in his crate. He awoke me at 3:17 in the morning, he wasn't barking or making any noise, it was the way he was moving around or possibly pulling at the crate door that woke me. I thought maybe he wasn't well, so I checked on him. He seemed fine, no mess or anything. So I went back to bed. A few minutes later he was back at it. So I lay there thinking ok, maybe he senses something I don't. Maybe there is something about to happen in the building and this is his way of alerting me. So I got up, got dressed, took him out for a quick walk, which seemed to be what he needed. Got back into the condo. Put him back to bed and just laid there. Listening to the night. Wondering about things that could go wrong and could this be the night. Well shortly after 5am he started back up again. I was not amused. Back outside we went. Then back inside and this time I let him sleep in my room. But the thoughts of something being wrong still loomed large in my thoughts. Tragic events that happen to us in our life really do change one's perception of things and how we think. Mine happens to be death.

Who's Left?

A friend and I have been reminincing about when we were younger, and I began to wonder about the people in my life and who I feel really know me. And I don't mean just know me. I mean who really knows me. Who is left in my life that can remind me of things that we did or said as a young man or a teenager even. Or even how I once thought of something.
And I realized there are not alot of those people left. It made me sad. Granted there are still people in my life who know a great deal about me, but it still makes me wonder about who's left.

A Hint Of Spring

The weather was awesome today, topped off around 60 and sunny. I had to run errands out in the suburbs. So on my way home as I was cruising Lake Shore Drive I dropped the top on the car. I love days like this.
Then I putzed around on the rooftop deck. Just checking things out and enjoying the sunshine. I am so ready to get everything in place up there for the summer months. It's just a matter of time of now and I for one can't wait.

Full Circle

Well today I got a shocking notice in my email, an old friend had finally found me on Facebook and wanted to "friend" me. I was startled, rumour had it that he had passed. I guess it was a bad rumour. He was alive and kicking. I was thrilled, I had never totally believed the rumour and had tried over the years to varify it. To no avail.

This is a man who I had known since my late teens and we lived and experienced so much together as young gay men. I think of the things we did, the places we went. The romances that we got each other through, including our own. Though I don't think we ever really considered ourselves involved. We knew each other like no other. And I don't think there was anything that we did not share with the other. If there was trouble to get into we found it.

We got to talk on the phone this morning, and of course tried to catch each other up on our lives and what has happened over the last 15+ years since we had seen each other. It was a most wonderfull thing for me. And to hear his voice after all this time. A flood of memories to say the least. We have both aged of course and have taken some knocks from life. We are older and wiser, but I still felt that connection from all those years ago. I want to sit and talk with him, face to face. There is no one in my life who has known me longer and knows more about me then he.
With all the people that have re-entered my life I feel as though things have come full circle for me.
I am not sure that there is anyone left out there that I have not reconnected with that really matters to me. Maybe there is. But this one knocked me for a loop. I wanted to cry after our conversation. Tears of joy and sadness really, for all the time that has come and gone and things that have yet to come.

And I know that it is because of Michael's death that these things matter to me. I am still learning. And still living this thing called life. I realize that people enter your life at different times, some stay a part of your, and some do not. But I am gratefull for the ones have stayed in mine.

Sleeping Alone

It's still the one thing I hate about being single. Sleeping Alone. Not all the time, but I have my nights. There are nights were I have to force myself to go bed. It's like I would rather do anything then face my bed alone. Some nights I just want someone to snuggle up next to. I want the warmth and security of a man. To hold me and touch me and share my thoughts with. To lay my head on his shoulder.

I'm sure some people would enjoy being able to have a bed to themselves. And I guess if I was living with a man as a couple maybe I would enjoy those nights, but I don't. So for me it is one of the things I miss the most. That and waking up next to someone. Thankfully I don't miss that as much as I do sleeping with someone.

Walk The Talk

It always amazes me how people can talk a great game. They come off saying all the things that they think you want to hear. When in reality you just want the truth. I think all of us want that, though some have a harder time dealing with it then others. Don't ask someone what they think if you can't handle the truth.

But why is it people would rather say one thing when they really mean another? Do they think that they are being kind and making it easier for that person? I have always been told that I am to honest, and that what I say comes across as cold and blunt. No matter how much diplomacy I use I still am told that. Is it because they weren't ready to hear it or would they rather I had lied and told them what I think they wanted to hear?

I personally want the truth, no matter how much it might hurt. I would rather have that then be lead to believe that it is something else. Do people just have a hard time being honest or is it that they are afraid of the repercussions from being honest? And why would there be any if the other person really wanted to hear the truth. So who is wrong here? If people are honest and really mean what they say, then why is it some many can't walk the talk?