Checking In...

Well I see it's been sometime since I have posted anything so I thought I should check in. Winter has set in here in Chicago. The weather has been rough for this time of year. Its been in the teens and twenties during the day and very cold at night. Everything is still draped in snow. With more on the way coming this week.

It's been a busy week for me socially and I have enjoyed it. I have met some really nice people and have spent time getting to know some of the others a little better. My friend Jim is home and has kept me busy. I love him for that.

The Holiday season is here and I can't believe the year is coming to a close. Its been an interesting year with lots of changes. But all were necessary for me to move forward in life.
I think I might actaully be looking forward to the New Year. Who knows I might be ready to even venture out with travelling. Time will tell.
So, just wanted to update and put something out here on this boring blog of mine.

It's Thanksgiving Day

It's Thanksgiving Day. My first holiday of the season in my new home. The clouds are gray and and it's cold and wet out with a chance of a wintery mix as the day wears on.
I am cooking dinner today and am very happy with that. It's a moving forward aspect of my life and it's what I keep doing.
But beyond that I am gratefull for many things. My family and friends who have patiently supported me through the last year plus. As well as the new friends I have met since moving.
I hope its a Very Happy Thanksgiving for everyone.

November 24th..

Michael, today you would have been 54. I wish you were here to celebrate that. But I will celebrate it for you. Happy Birthday Michael.

Memories...

Memories of you still haunt me. Your face I see, your laughter I hear. Please whisper in my ear like you use to. I miss your touch. Memories of you still haunt me, everynight. Even in my dreams. Take my hand once again.
Your voice I still hear, if only in my mind. These memories of you I cherish. Even as the tears stain my cheeks. I miss you everyday Michael. TMD.

Conversations......

Lots of dreams last night. Two of them containing talking to Michael, so much so that I woke myself up still talking to him. I wish I could remember them. I know they were good and that they made me smile. I swore each time I woke up I would remember them. Yet now I can't.
But it was still so great to talk to him if only in my dreams.

The Future?

I was asked the question last night about my future and where I see it. It startled me and I had to think. My honest answer was "I don't see a future for myself". How sad I was when I thought of it and of my answer. My follow up comment was that I hoped to still be living. My answer and comments to that question have haunted me ever since. Do I have a future? I would like to think that I do. I just can't see it right now, at least I hope that is the case.
The Future??????

Life....

Life as I know it includes gray skies with no sunshine. It is very bleak in my world. I try, oh how I try to let the sun in. But it always seems just out of my grasp. My heart and soul seems bound by pain. My world is one that is void of color, no matter my attempts to paint it as something else.

I keep waiting for the day when I can walk in the sun again. To have these heavy chains lifted from my heart. To not have the ache that always is there. A picture I see is no longer of you and me. To wake in the morning and look forward to the day, instead of it being one full of dread. This is my life as I know it.

The world turns and life goes on. I just am not sure how I go on. Without you is there really any reason for it to.

Some Days .....

Some days I get up and go about my life and I seem and act relatively normal. With few thoughts of last summer. Then there are days were I just can't shake it. It's always front and forward in my thoughts.
Then there are days were my heart just hurts, and I feel the void greatly that loosing Michael has left me with. That has been my week. My heart has just hurt. All week. I try to keep busy. To keep my mind occupied with things other then my heartache. It has gotten better as the week has progressed but the pain is always there. Just below the surface. Waiting.
But I will get up tomorrow again and face the day and hope that it is not another one of those DAYS.

Friendships

I find it interesting how events and time changes the dynamics of people that you used to call Friend. With some people it comes very easy and little work or effort is needed to sustain it.
While there are others that take so much time and effort and cultivating. Yet some of these same people seem unable to do the same.

Then there are those that you thought you were Friends with only to find out later in life that, no, you really were never friends. What happened to make these people seem to flee from your life? Death is what happened.

And then there are some that over the course of time, fall by the wayside due to maturity. Distance. Any number of things really. But then there are some that enter your life again after a long absence. And you think, oh yes. I remember you and why I thought we were friends.

Friendships. They come and they go.

Rewind And Push Play....

So I had a dream last night. I am usually not one to talk about my dreams, but this one was so vivid and real. It was like someone had recorded events in my life and I found myself reliving the events all over again.

The dream all centered around Michael's death and it was happening all over again. Step by step. Each moment, from the time of being told that he was dead all the way up to his wake. It was so real and so painfull. I felt I was in a time warp. The conversations that I had, the pain and the heartache. It was truly as if someone had hit rewind and then pushed play on my life.

Not a dream or aspect of my life I wish to revisit.

A Visit From Mom

Well my Mom flew in on Thursday of last week, it was great to see her. It dawned on me a few days before her arrival that I had not seen her in a year. Not since Michael's death.

We had a wonderfull time. Lots of great talks. Great food. And she got to hang with some of my friends. And they all seem to love my Mom. It was not as long as I would have liked but it was a great time. And she got to see the new home, and that makes her happy.

Down By The Lake

So, since my move I sometimes walk over to the lake and just sit. It's just a few blocks from my house and it's one of the things I love about my neighborhood. I go and sit and reflect and I also talk to Michael. I feel very close to him there. We spent so much time together boating on that very like and it's where I feel him most around me at times. I hadn't thought much of it until this evening. That's when it dawned on me. It was a moment of tears but also of comfort.

One Year Ago...

So today is exactly one year to the day that my life changed. Tomorrow will be a year to the date. It's been a difficult year. This time last year was about celebrating Pride and again today it is about that. But, it is also a day for me to celebrate the Life of Michael.

My days are not the same without you. My life certainly is not the same. Not a day goes by that you are not thought of and missed and loved. I only wish you could be here. But I will lift a glass of champagne in your honor and tell you once again. TMD Michael. TMD.....

The Big Move

So, the BIG move was Saturday the 22nd of May, I was up early, and by that I mean before 6am. Started getting the last few things done before the movers rolled up somewhere between 7:30 and 8:00 am, only to be called and told, oopps we have a brake problem. They would arrive no later then 9am. Well they got there by 8:30 and all went well and we were downtown at the new place before noon.

Well that was great, except, all the people on my street decided to ignore the no parking signs and blocked the area in front of my new building. So we waited, and we waited and waited. Finally they started to unload, and were finished by 4:30. They were great.

Well it's now been just over a week at the new place. All boxes are unpacked except for the office ones, but they can wait. Furniture has been arranged and rearranged. And some new items bought. Art work is starting to go up and colors are being picked for the walls. All in all not to bad for just over a week.

I love the new home, I love the space and I love the neighborhood. I can walk a couple of blocks down and be at the lake front. Winston is adjusting. I had to put to Paris down a week before the move and that broke my heart. But it was the best thing for her and that's what matters. But still another lose in my life that has brought me pain.

I look forward to enjoying my life here and considering all that has taken place over the course of the last year I think that's pretty awesome.

Where Did You Go?

I sometimes look at pictures of Michael, and I think "How did this happen, where did you go"?
It just is so bizzare to me that someone that I loved so much and so deeply could be taken in a blink of an eye.

I mean, I know it happens. I am not the only one who feels this way. But, there are days I just can NOT fathom that he is not here. I think to myself. Where Did You Go????? Why are you not here? How could you have been taken from this world when you still had so much to give.

I just don't understand somedays. Today is one of those of days. I have felt very lonely all day. I have had moments were I have thought "God who can I call and talk to". But there is no one. It is just me, alone with my thoughts and memories.
And I look at a picture of Micahel and all I can think is "Where Did You Go"?

Key West........

As of this afternoon, I no longer own our Condo in Key West. Some what bitter sweet. But the right thing to do. I will miss it and what was our home away from home.
Key West was were Michael and I meet all those years ago, who knew that our lives would be bound so tightly together.
I will miss it dearly, just as I miss him, but life marches on.....

The Process Of Moving...

So, the process now starts. I have made my selection, the deal has been sealed and it comes down to the closing and me packing up the house. It's a process I personally thought I would never go through again.
I thought when we moved into this home that would be it. I actually recall Michael and I having that conversation. That, that was it, we were not moving again. Funny how that has now changed.
He is no longer here, and what once was our home, now waits for someone else to claim it. I will be moving into a new home. Something that is just mine, but I will take Michael's memory with me and the many things he taught me about life.
The process is a bit tedious, but it is a chance to purge. I think it is something we all need to do from time to time.
I had meant this to be a more light hearted posting, but it is the 28th of the month, and let's face it. You never know what my mood will be like on that day of the month. And on that note I am ending this post.

Conversations

You know I find if you give people the chance, whether it's family, friends or just people you care about, the chance to talk, it is amazing the things they will tell you. I have had the good fortune to have two great conversations over the last couple of days. And I am truly thankful for the time we spent talking.

All you have to do is listen, and they in return listen to you. The art of conversation is a lost thing to some. Pity, there is so much you can know about someone if you just listen.

Moving Forward

So I finanlly found a place to call home. Over the past year I decided to put my home up for sale as I felt it was time to move into the city, and break away from what has in some ways become my prison.

It is a fabulous condo, with lots of space and room for me to grow and spread my wings, and to enjoy life once again.

I am truly looking forward to the move and am excited about something finally. It's a wonderful feeling. I will be moving mid May if all goes as planned. It's time to move forward.

In The 9th Month

As executor and heir to Michael's estate I am required by law to file and pay All taxes by the end of the 9th month upon his death. Today was that day. And so it has been done.

Last week was an extremely emotional one for me. It had not been that bad for me since the early days of his death. But I survived it. And so my life continues to move forward. With a great pain in my heart, but none the less it goes on.

Some days are better then others, but what can you do. You find a way. And so it is.

AH A SPRING DAY

Well I know it's early in the season still, but it truly felt like a spring day today. Blue skies and abundant sunshine. It is awesome. Here I sit, outside on my deck, shorts and sandals on, drinking in the warmth of the sun.
Why I even took the little car out today for a spin with the top down. I feel like I have done nothing but hibernate since Michael's passing and the summer was cooler then normal and winter seemed to arrive early. So needless to say I am chomping at the bit for warmth and sunshine.

Well we have that in abundance today, I realize we could still have a set back around easter, but just knowing it's only weeks away makes it bearable if it turns cool or even cold again.
I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, today at least.

My only regret is that I know how much Michael would have loved a day like today. So I will appreciate it for the both of us. But with that said, there is nothing like the early onsite of spring to make one feel invigorated. Enjoy!!

Comfort Zones

We all as human beings have our routines and daily rituals. Things we are comfortable with. Things that never change, things that are constant. But what happens when we step out of our Comfort Zone?

I am in the process of doing just that. My life got flipped upside down last summer. And as part of the healing process I am about to make major changes in my life. Leaving behind all the Comfort Zones I have become so accustomed to over the last 7 years.

Yes it's scary. Yes at times I feel so alone, actually I feel pretty alone all the time. But part of my makeup has always had a sense of adventure and while I may no longer have those places of comfort, I do have the will to move forward and make changes.

Sometimes we all need to step out of the Comfort Zone.

The 28th Of The Month

So, it's the 28th of the Month. Some times it creeps up on me and I have no idea why it is when I wake up I seem so weepy. Why is it I can be listening to a song or doing something else and then all of sudden I am in tears. And then I know. It's the 28th. And that explains it all to me.

It's the anniversary of Michael's death, it's been 8 months now and there are times were it seems like it was just yesterday, and then are times were I can not believe so much time has passed. It's almost like a lock on time has occured. It keeps moving but my emotions don't always realize it.

I miss him terribly. How could I not. He had such a way about him and such a lock on my heart.

He still does really. So with that I say, TMD Michael, TMD...

How Does One Know?

So here I sit, and my thoughts run rampant. Much has changed in my life, and I am on course with making even more changes and yet I always wonder and second guess myself on whether or not it really is the right thing. How does one ever really know?

I mean there are just so many times one can mull one's thoughts over before they start to drive you crazy. But it's always been my makeup to analize things over and over. It can make me very annoying I know. But even with all that I still never really know if the right decision has been made.

There is only one way to know, and that is to just do it. Then you KNOW. I am ready to make those changes and I am ready to find out if the right one was made. But there is no right or wrong decision in this. It's another chapter in my life. It's the world of Scott, now you know.

Snow Day....

So, the snow started last night and with the exception of a pause here and there. Needless to say we got a fair amount of snow. Everything is blanketed in white. It so pretty outside. I love a good heavy snow. As long as I only have to get out and shovel the drive instead of driving in it. But I can do that to if that's what is needed.

The snow is still falling, and most likely will into tomorrow morning early afternoon. It is very calming, peacefull even. The view from my windows is pretty spectacular.

Learning To Adjust

So, a new year has begun and I seem to be learning to adjust to my new way of life. My journey has not been easy and my grief has certainly held me back. But with the move into the new year I seem to have recovered some desire to live again, to want to do things.

Is it just that enough time has passed and my sorrow and feeling of loss has finally been dealt with? No, but at least I Want to do things again. I want to look good, I want to feel good. That in and of itself is a turn for me, I feel as if I had a death wish the last 6 months, hoping maybe. But that was not to be, maybe to easy huh?

But my point remains, the fact that I now seem to get up each day and instead of dreading it, I embrace it. I want to get things done, I have purpose as opposed to doing what had to be done.
I even went out to dinner by myself tonight. No one else, just me. Yes it would have been nice to have had company, but I didn't even feel the need to try and find someone who might want or could go have dinner with me. And I enjoyed it. A sad sight for some I am sure. But as I sat their enjoying my sushi dinner. I thought to myself "so this must have been what it was like for Michael and all the other people who have to travel from home and spend their evenings alone".
It was an eye opener.

I know this is not the end of my journey back to the living. But at least I am learning to adjust.

A New Year Begins.....

So it is officially 2010. A New Year. The beginning of a new year always brings hope for changes and a chance to wipe the slate clean and start anew. 2009 was my most difficult year of my 44 years in life. But like everyone else I to hope to start fresh, not that I will ever forget the events of 2009. But the new year does bring a chance to at least hope for a year that will be better then the past one.

That is my hope for this New Year. To once again learn to live my life and to enjoy it and to accept the changes that have occured and to live with them, to cherish what once was and to embrace what will be.

Happy New Year 2010.
And to Michael, even though you are no longer with me, I can only say, TMD....