In The 9th Month

As executor and heir to Michael's estate I am required by law to file and pay All taxes by the end of the 9th month upon his death. Today was that day. And so it has been done.

Last week was an extremely emotional one for me. It had not been that bad for me since the early days of his death. But I survived it. And so my life continues to move forward. With a great pain in my heart, but none the less it goes on.

Some days are better then others, but what can you do. You find a way. And so it is.

AH A SPRING DAY

Well I know it's early in the season still, but it truly felt like a spring day today. Blue skies and abundant sunshine. It is awesome. Here I sit, outside on my deck, shorts and sandals on, drinking in the warmth of the sun.
Why I even took the little car out today for a spin with the top down. I feel like I have done nothing but hibernate since Michael's passing and the summer was cooler then normal and winter seemed to arrive early. So needless to say I am chomping at the bit for warmth and sunshine.

Well we have that in abundance today, I realize we could still have a set back around easter, but just knowing it's only weeks away makes it bearable if it turns cool or even cold again.
I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, today at least.

My only regret is that I know how much Michael would have loved a day like today. So I will appreciate it for the both of us. But with that said, there is nothing like the early onsite of spring to make one feel invigorated. Enjoy!!

Comfort Zones

We all as human beings have our routines and daily rituals. Things we are comfortable with. Things that never change, things that are constant. But what happens when we step out of our Comfort Zone?

I am in the process of doing just that. My life got flipped upside down last summer. And as part of the healing process I am about to make major changes in my life. Leaving behind all the Comfort Zones I have become so accustomed to over the last 7 years.

Yes it's scary. Yes at times I feel so alone, actually I feel pretty alone all the time. But part of my makeup has always had a sense of adventure and while I may no longer have those places of comfort, I do have the will to move forward and make changes.

Sometimes we all need to step out of the Comfort Zone.

The 28th Of The Month

So, it's the 28th of the Month. Some times it creeps up on me and I have no idea why it is when I wake up I seem so weepy. Why is it I can be listening to a song or doing something else and then all of sudden I am in tears. And then I know. It's the 28th. And that explains it all to me.

It's the anniversary of Michael's death, it's been 8 months now and there are times were it seems like it was just yesterday, and then are times were I can not believe so much time has passed. It's almost like a lock on time has occured. It keeps moving but my emotions don't always realize it.

I miss him terribly. How could I not. He had such a way about him and such a lock on my heart.

He still does really. So with that I say, TMD Michael, TMD...

How Does One Know?

So here I sit, and my thoughts run rampant. Much has changed in my life, and I am on course with making even more changes and yet I always wonder and second guess myself on whether or not it really is the right thing. How does one ever really know?

I mean there are just so many times one can mull one's thoughts over before they start to drive you crazy. But it's always been my makeup to analize things over and over. It can make me very annoying I know. But even with all that I still never really know if the right decision has been made.

There is only one way to know, and that is to just do it. Then you KNOW. I am ready to make those changes and I am ready to find out if the right one was made. But there is no right or wrong decision in this. It's another chapter in my life. It's the world of Scott, now you know.

Snow Day....

So, the snow started last night and with the exception of a pause here and there. Needless to say we got a fair amount of snow. Everything is blanketed in white. It so pretty outside. I love a good heavy snow. As long as I only have to get out and shovel the drive instead of driving in it. But I can do that to if that's what is needed.

The snow is still falling, and most likely will into tomorrow morning early afternoon. It is very calming, peacefull even. The view from my windows is pretty spectacular.

Learning To Adjust

So, a new year has begun and I seem to be learning to adjust to my new way of life. My journey has not been easy and my grief has certainly held me back. But with the move into the new year I seem to have recovered some desire to live again, to want to do things.

Is it just that enough time has passed and my sorrow and feeling of loss has finally been dealt with? No, but at least I Want to do things again. I want to look good, I want to feel good. That in and of itself is a turn for me, I feel as if I had a death wish the last 6 months, hoping maybe. But that was not to be, maybe to easy huh?

But my point remains, the fact that I now seem to get up each day and instead of dreading it, I embrace it. I want to get things done, I have purpose as opposed to doing what had to be done.
I even went out to dinner by myself tonight. No one else, just me. Yes it would have been nice to have had company, but I didn't even feel the need to try and find someone who might want or could go have dinner with me. And I enjoyed it. A sad sight for some I am sure. But as I sat their enjoying my sushi dinner. I thought to myself "so this must have been what it was like for Michael and all the other people who have to travel from home and spend their evenings alone".
It was an eye opener.

I know this is not the end of my journey back to the living. But at least I am learning to adjust.