How Does One Know?

So here I sit, and my thoughts run rampant. Much has changed in my life, and I am on course with making even more changes and yet I always wonder and second guess myself on whether or not it really is the right thing. How does one ever really know?

I mean there are just so many times one can mull one's thoughts over before they start to drive you crazy. But it's always been my makeup to analize things over and over. It can make me very annoying I know. But even with all that I still never really know if the right decision has been made.

There is only one way to know, and that is to just do it. Then you KNOW. I am ready to make those changes and I am ready to find out if the right one was made. But there is no right or wrong decision in this. It's another chapter in my life. It's the world of Scott, now you know.

Snow Day....

So, the snow started last night and with the exception of a pause here and there. Needless to say we got a fair amount of snow. Everything is blanketed in white. It so pretty outside. I love a good heavy snow. As long as I only have to get out and shovel the drive instead of driving in it. But I can do that to if that's what is needed.

The snow is still falling, and most likely will into tomorrow morning early afternoon. It is very calming, peacefull even. The view from my windows is pretty spectacular.

Learning To Adjust

So, a new year has begun and I seem to be learning to adjust to my new way of life. My journey has not been easy and my grief has certainly held me back. But with the move into the new year I seem to have recovered some desire to live again, to want to do things.

Is it just that enough time has passed and my sorrow and feeling of loss has finally been dealt with? No, but at least I Want to do things again. I want to look good, I want to feel good. That in and of itself is a turn for me, I feel as if I had a death wish the last 6 months, hoping maybe. But that was not to be, maybe to easy huh?

But my point remains, the fact that I now seem to get up each day and instead of dreading it, I embrace it. I want to get things done, I have purpose as opposed to doing what had to be done.
I even went out to dinner by myself tonight. No one else, just me. Yes it would have been nice to have had company, but I didn't even feel the need to try and find someone who might want or could go have dinner with me. And I enjoyed it. A sad sight for some I am sure. But as I sat their enjoying my sushi dinner. I thought to myself "so this must have been what it was like for Michael and all the other people who have to travel from home and spend their evenings alone".
It was an eye opener.

I know this is not the end of my journey back to the living. But at least I am learning to adjust.

A New Year Begins.....

So it is officially 2010. A New Year. The beginning of a new year always brings hope for changes and a chance to wipe the slate clean and start anew. 2009 was my most difficult year of my 44 years in life. But like everyone else I to hope to start fresh, not that I will ever forget the events of 2009. But the new year does bring a chance to at least hope for a year that will be better then the past one.

That is my hope for this New Year. To once again learn to live my life and to enjoy it and to accept the changes that have occured and to live with them, to cherish what once was and to embrace what will be.

Happy New Year 2010.
And to Michael, even though you are no longer with me, I can only say, TMD....

Happy Birthday..

Happy Birthday Michael. You would have been 53 today. Your are missed and loved by so many. You touched so many peoples lives.

First Times ......

Well I did not go to Key West this year for the annual Fantasy Fest event. It seemed so weird not to go this year, but without Michael it was probably best that I didn't. It would have been my first without him. Seems like there are so many first times without him.


Tomorrow would have been his 53rd birthday. And yet for me it is another first without him. Michael always had such a fear of dying young. His Mother died when she was 53 and it always haunted him and it was the only thing he feared. He used to tell me that he would give anything to have just one more conversation with her. I understand that feeling even better now.


This Thursday is Thanksgiving, and yes another first for me. My first without him. I will be spending it instead with his brother's family. That is not something we ever did with them. As time passes by there will be so many other first that I experience without Michael.


But I will never forget the first time we met. Hard to believe that was over 10 years ago.

My Last Day At Work

Well Friday October 23rd was my last day at my company. It was very bittersweet. Some tears, some laughter. Some very sweet comments from co-workers. And a really nice lunch with a couple of the sales reps.

It's hard to imagine not going there anymore, but I also know it was the right thing for me to do. I need to find a way to move forward in my life as opposed to feeling like I am locked in limbo.

Everything changed for me on June 28th, but my life has been as if nothing has changed. Like I am just waiting.

So now the next chapter of my life can begin. With a fresh new start and a way for me to move forward without Michael. It is so amazing to me how our lives were so tightly wound together what with work and our home life. It is a rare thing but one that worked for us so well.


My life will never be the same, it will just be different now, and it's up to me to figure out that new life. I am working to create that new chapter and it's one I look forward to.