Some days

There are days were my heart just hearts. This has been such the case for me the last few days.
It started with dreams that woke me in tears. I have not been the same since. How does one move past this hurt. It's been a long time since I felt this type of hurt. I need to be better at dealing with this. It is not good for me. I know this shall pass. But, some days........

Marriage Equality

Marriage Equality has finally come to Illinois. I am thrilled that this has taken place. I wish it had been the case for Michael and I. It would certainly have helped legally for me after his death.
But going forward others will not have to endure what I did. Change has and is coming.

Apologies

To say I'm sorry should not be a difficult process. But for many it seems that they are giving up a piece of themselves, all because they apologize for something they have said or done. At what point do you apologize?? Do you do so immediately or do you wait a day or two. What if you wait over a month? Would you feel that after a certain point it's to late to apologize for what ever wrong was committed. And do you expect the person you're apologizing to too accept it no matter how much time has passed?
And what if no apology is ever offered up, how does that affect how you handle the person the next time you must be in each others presence. Dismiss them and act like they are not there, or do you at least acknowledge them. What if said person is a family member, and at one point you were very close. Or it's just a casual acquaintance, would that make it easier to just dismiss them. And what if more then one person was involved in the disagreement, and some had been apologized to but others had not. Is it easier to apologize to someone you are not that close to??
Why is it "sorry" seems to be the hardest word in the dictionary to say. And how do you handle the situation??

Silent

The time has flown since I have posted anything on this blog. I have not even looked at it. I just did not care. Life has been just that. Life. I used to feel that I had so much to say. Things that I wanted to do. Instead I just went silent inside. Now I struggle to figure out who I am. What is it I want. What is my next chapter in life.
Much has changed and much remained the same. It is my intent to resume my writings and to make more of this blog. Feel free to follow my journey.

My Dad

It was five years ago today that my Dad passed away. It was a very difficult time. He was a man of few words, but you knew you better listen when he spoke. He was a very proud and stubborn man, but if he loved you, then he would do anything he could for you.

Our relationship was not always an easy one. How could it be, I was exactly like him and just as stubborn. He suffered alot of anguish during my teen years, but somehow we managed to overcome all that and still enjoy each other and have mutual respect and love for one another.

I remember growing up how everyone would tell me that I was just like my Dad. At the time that was not what I wanted to hear. As I grew and as I get older, I am extremely gratefull that I really am just like him. I wish I would have had more time to know him as a person, like I managed to do with my Mom. But it's ok, because deep down we knew each other. I knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. Nothing more needed to be said. But still one last conversation with him would be really nice to have. Here's to my my Dad. The Few, The Proud. A Marine through and through.

Memorial Weekend

Well, here it is. Memorial weekend, a time for us to remember our Troops in the armed services. As we all should. My own father was a Marine and served for over 20yrs. He passed back in June of 2006.

But this weekend is a time for me to reflect on other events as well that happened during this holiday weekend back in 2003. It was during this holiday weekend that I was asked to move to Chicago and begin a new aspect of my life.
I am so glad I said yes and made that move. Although I am alone now since his passing, it is always during this time that I think back to reflect and to remember.

Although it fills me with great sadness that he is no longer here, I am still so lucky to have had what time we did together. So with that said, this weekend will be spent honoring the rememberance of two men in my life who are very dear to my heart and greatly missed.

Dreams

Last night in my dreams, it was all about death. Not a good night to say the least. I was surrounded by it. Revisiting my Dads death, and Michaels. And one who is still alive. I know when that time comes it will take a very heavy toll on me. Thankfully for the time being it was only in my dream.

A Summer Day In Spring

The weather was so great today. We topped off in the mid 80's and abundant sunshine. It was such a nice change. I threw open the windows and basked in the warmth. I know it was only for the day but it's a reminder of what is just around the corner.

Dropped!!

Friends, unfortunately some of them come and go. And that's to be expected, people change and their lives evolve and they move on. What is sad though is when someone you thought was your friend suddenly just disappears from your life. No reason why, no returned commuications telling you what happened. It's as if you just cease to exist. You're just dropped from their life. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. I just wish people would have the maturity to tell me this and inform me that my friendship is no longer desired or wanted. At least then you know instead of wondering what you did or what changed that brought the friendship to a close. I think it's only polite to be told you're being dropped as a friend.

Peace Within

I think it's important for everyone to take time, and to reflect and look at their inner self. You might be surprised at what you discover. The desire for me to do this is that it allows me the chance to make sure I'm ok that I am doing well and am happy with who I am as a person. Evenings or later in the night is always the time in which I do this. Sometimes I find I'm not doing so well and then there are times were I am really happy at the peace that I have within myself. I recommend everyone doing it at some point. It can tell you alot about yourself.

Death

I think about it a lot. Usually not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. I will start to wonder if the place or places I am driving to will be the day that I have a fatal accident. Or as I am walking somewhere I will have a similiar thought. I know it's morbid. I don't do this on purpose, it just seems to be were my thought pattern goes. Last night Winston my dog was extremely restless in his crate. He awoke me at 3:17 in the morning, he wasn't barking or making any noise, it was the way he was moving around or possibly pulling at the crate door that woke me. I thought maybe he wasn't well, so I checked on him. He seemed fine, no mess or anything. So I went back to bed. A few minutes later he was back at it. So I lay there thinking ok, maybe he senses something I don't. Maybe there is something about to happen in the building and this is his way of alerting me. So I got up, got dressed, took him out for a quick walk, which seemed to be what he needed. Got back into the condo. Put him back to bed and just laid there. Listening to the night. Wondering about things that could go wrong and could this be the night. Well shortly after 5am he started back up again. I was not amused. Back outside we went. Then back inside and this time I let him sleep in my room. But the thoughts of something being wrong still loomed large in my thoughts. Tragic events that happen to us in our life really do change one's perception of things and how we think. Mine happens to be death.

Who's Left?

A friend and I have been reminincing about when we were younger, and I began to wonder about the people in my life and who I feel really know me. And I don't mean just know me. I mean who really knows me. Who is left in my life that can remind me of things that we did or said as a young man or a teenager even. Or even how I once thought of something.
And I realized there are not alot of those people left. It made me sad. Granted there are still people in my life who know a great deal about me, but it still makes me wonder about who's left.

A Hint Of Spring

The weather was awesome today, topped off around 60 and sunny. I had to run errands out in the suburbs. So on my way home as I was cruising Lake Shore Drive I dropped the top on the car. I love days like this.
Then I putzed around on the rooftop deck. Just checking things out and enjoying the sunshine. I am so ready to get everything in place up there for the summer months. It's just a matter of time of now and I for one can't wait.

Full Circle

Well today I got a shocking notice in my email, an old friend had finally found me on Facebook and wanted to "friend" me. I was startled, rumour had it that he had passed. I guess it was a bad rumour. He was alive and kicking. I was thrilled, I had never totally believed the rumour and had tried over the years to varify it. To no avail.

This is a man who I had known since my late teens and we lived and experienced so much together as young gay men. I think of the things we did, the places we went. The romances that we got each other through, including our own. Though I don't think we ever really considered ourselves involved. We knew each other like no other. And I don't think there was anything that we did not share with the other. If there was trouble to get into we found it.

We got to talk on the phone this morning, and of course tried to catch each other up on our lives and what has happened over the last 15+ years since we had seen each other. It was a most wonderfull thing for me. And to hear his voice after all this time. A flood of memories to say the least. We have both aged of course and have taken some knocks from life. We are older and wiser, but I still felt that connection from all those years ago. I want to sit and talk with him, face to face. There is no one in my life who has known me longer and knows more about me then he.
With all the people that have re-entered my life I feel as though things have come full circle for me.
I am not sure that there is anyone left out there that I have not reconnected with that really matters to me. Maybe there is. But this one knocked me for a loop. I wanted to cry after our conversation. Tears of joy and sadness really, for all the time that has come and gone and things that have yet to come.

And I know that it is because of Michael's death that these things matter to me. I am still learning. And still living this thing called life. I realize that people enter your life at different times, some stay a part of your, and some do not. But I am gratefull for the ones have stayed in mine.

Sleeping Alone

It's still the one thing I hate about being single. Sleeping Alone. Not all the time, but I have my nights. There are nights were I have to force myself to go bed. It's like I would rather do anything then face my bed alone. Some nights I just want someone to snuggle up next to. I want the warmth and security of a man. To hold me and touch me and share my thoughts with. To lay my head on his shoulder.

I'm sure some people would enjoy being able to have a bed to themselves. And I guess if I was living with a man as a couple maybe I would enjoy those nights, but I don't. So for me it is one of the things I miss the most. That and waking up next to someone. Thankfully I don't miss that as much as I do sleeping with someone.

Walk The Talk

It always amazes me how people can talk a great game. They come off saying all the things that they think you want to hear. When in reality you just want the truth. I think all of us want that, though some have a harder time dealing with it then others. Don't ask someone what they think if you can't handle the truth.

But why is it people would rather say one thing when they really mean another? Do they think that they are being kind and making it easier for that person? I have always been told that I am to honest, and that what I say comes across as cold and blunt. No matter how much diplomacy I use I still am told that. Is it because they weren't ready to hear it or would they rather I had lied and told them what I think they wanted to hear?

I personally want the truth, no matter how much it might hurt. I would rather have that then be lead to believe that it is something else. Do people just have a hard time being honest or is it that they are afraid of the repercussions from being honest? And why would there be any if the other person really wanted to hear the truth. So who is wrong here? If people are honest and really mean what they say, then why is it some many can't walk the talk?

Dating

What can I say, I went out on a date. Shocking I know as I have not dated much since my life got flipped upside down. Thankfully he was a nice, sane guy. Or so he seems at this point. It was very unexpected. But I went with it and am glad I did. But it did make me realize that I really am ready to date someone, or so I seem to think.

I'm not looking to date alot of guys, just one would do it. But I do have my likes and dislikes in a man. So far this one at least fits the look I find appealing, he also has a quick wit about him and likes to laugh. We spent almost 2 hours at dinner. Does that mean the date went well? I did get a good night kiss, actually it was more like kisses.

Not sure what's gonna happen with it. But that's not my concern at this point. We still have to see if we click in the bedrooom department. Not sure when that's gonna happen, but I'm not in a rush for that either. We're supposed to see each again this week. My question to myself at this point is am I really ready for another date?

There are times I really want someone in my life and then others were I don't. It's a balancing act I guess. I just don't know if I'm good at it anymore. I guess time will tell and it can be entertaining if nothing else, long as they aren't bad dates I guess it's ok. I just don't like kissing frogs.

It's The Little Things

I have to come to realize, that as a single man there are things I miss about no longer have someone in my life. I can endure many things. I'm strong like that. But every now and then I wish that there was someone here for me in more then a friendship kind of way.

I miss not having someone to talk to during the course of my day, you know. When you call just to say "hi, how's your day going?".
I miss having someone touch me in a moment of embrace, whether a hand on my back or slipping their hand into mine.
You see, it really is the little things that we end up missing the most. I hope I have that again someday. But as I have learned, there are no guarantees in life. But still, it would be nice.

You Tease...

The weather has been so nice this week, with temps in the low to upper 40's and even above 50 on one day. But I know in my heart it's just one great big tease. Monther Nature gets all excited because of the warmer weather then, BAM, she's gonna hit us again with another dose of winter reality.
Oh well, it's still nice to have the nicer weather. And it just makes me for long spring even more.
Chicago in spring time is beautiful to me. So many tress and plants blooming everything and everyone feels and alive and comes out of their winter hiding. But until then I guess I'll take the hint and tease of spring to come.

Expectations

We all have them, sometimes they are met and other times not so much. I try not to expect anything. But I'm human and I do. So I hate it when I let myself get down and depressed when someone or something does not meet what I expected. It's funny how it can affect my whole mood for the day and night.

But every now and then, we get a little something that helps to lift that bad feeling from being let down. And I realized last night, that it's been a long time since I had any hopes or expectations of anything or anyone. It was both good and bad. It made me aware of the fact that I am still alive, that in and of itself is great.

But it also made me realize that I should not do that again. It's my life, the good and the bad. If I don't expect anything, then whatever I do get is just a bonus and then I won't suffer from disappointment when my expectations are not met.