The Future?

I was asked the question last night about my future and where I see it. It startled me and I had to think. My honest answer was "I don't see a future for myself". How sad I was when I thought of it and of my answer. My follow up comment was that I hoped to still be living. My answer and comments to that question have haunted me ever since. Do I have a future? I would like to think that I do. I just can't see it right now, at least I hope that is the case.
The Future??????

Life....

Life as I know it includes gray skies with no sunshine. It is very bleak in my world. I try, oh how I try to let the sun in. But it always seems just out of my grasp. My heart and soul seems bound by pain. My world is one that is void of color, no matter my attempts to paint it as something else.

I keep waiting for the day when I can walk in the sun again. To have these heavy chains lifted from my heart. To not have the ache that always is there. A picture I see is no longer of you and me. To wake in the morning and look forward to the day, instead of it being one full of dread. This is my life as I know it.

The world turns and life goes on. I just am not sure how I go on. Without you is there really any reason for it to.

Some Days .....

Some days I get up and go about my life and I seem and act relatively normal. With few thoughts of last summer. Then there are days were I just can't shake it. It's always front and forward in my thoughts.
Then there are days were my heart just hurts, and I feel the void greatly that loosing Michael has left me with. That has been my week. My heart has just hurt. All week. I try to keep busy. To keep my mind occupied with things other then my heartache. It has gotten better as the week has progressed but the pain is always there. Just below the surface. Waiting.
But I will get up tomorrow again and face the day and hope that it is not another one of those DAYS.

Friendships

I find it interesting how events and time changes the dynamics of people that you used to call Friend. With some people it comes very easy and little work or effort is needed to sustain it.
While there are others that take so much time and effort and cultivating. Yet some of these same people seem unable to do the same.

Then there are those that you thought you were Friends with only to find out later in life that, no, you really were never friends. What happened to make these people seem to flee from your life? Death is what happened.

And then there are some that over the course of time, fall by the wayside due to maturity. Distance. Any number of things really. But then there are some that enter your life again after a long absence. And you think, oh yes. I remember you and why I thought we were friends.

Friendships. They come and they go.

Rewind And Push Play....

So I had a dream last night. I am usually not one to talk about my dreams, but this one was so vivid and real. It was like someone had recorded events in my life and I found myself reliving the events all over again.

The dream all centered around Michael's death and it was happening all over again. Step by step. Each moment, from the time of being told that he was dead all the way up to his wake. It was so real and so painfull. I felt I was in a time warp. The conversations that I had, the pain and the heartache. It was truly as if someone had hit rewind and then pushed play on my life.

Not a dream or aspect of my life I wish to revisit.

A Visit From Mom

Well my Mom flew in on Thursday of last week, it was great to see her. It dawned on me a few days before her arrival that I had not seen her in a year. Not since Michael's death.

We had a wonderfull time. Lots of great talks. Great food. And she got to hang with some of my friends. And they all seem to love my Mom. It was not as long as I would have liked but it was a great time. And she got to see the new home, and that makes her happy.

Down By The Lake

So, since my move I sometimes walk over to the lake and just sit. It's just a few blocks from my house and it's one of the things I love about my neighborhood. I go and sit and reflect and I also talk to Michael. I feel very close to him there. We spent so much time together boating on that very like and it's where I feel him most around me at times. I hadn't thought much of it until this evening. That's when it dawned on me. It was a moment of tears but also of comfort.