Some days

There are days were my heart just hearts. This has been such the case for me the last few days.
It started with dreams that woke me in tears. I have not been the same since. How does one move past this hurt. It's been a long time since I felt this type of hurt. I need to be better at dealing with this. It is not good for me. I know this shall pass. But, some days........

Marriage Equality

Marriage Equality has finally come to Illinois. I am thrilled that this has taken place. I wish it had been the case for Michael and I. It would certainly have helped legally for me after his death.
But going forward others will not have to endure what I did. Change has and is coming.

Apologies

To say I'm sorry should not be a difficult process. But for many it seems that they are giving up a piece of themselves, all because they apologize for something they have said or done. At what point do you apologize?? Do you do so immediately or do you wait a day or two. What if you wait over a month? Would you feel that after a certain point it's to late to apologize for what ever wrong was committed. And do you expect the person you're apologizing to too accept it no matter how much time has passed?
And what if no apology is ever offered up, how does that affect how you handle the person the next time you must be in each others presence. Dismiss them and act like they are not there, or do you at least acknowledge them. What if said person is a family member, and at one point you were very close. Or it's just a casual acquaintance, would that make it easier to just dismiss them. And what if more then one person was involved in the disagreement, and some had been apologized to but others had not. Is it easier to apologize to someone you are not that close to??
Why is it "sorry" seems to be the hardest word in the dictionary to say. And how do you handle the situation??

Silent

The time has flown since I have posted anything on this blog. I have not even looked at it. I just did not care. Life has been just that. Life. I used to feel that I had so much to say. Things that I wanted to do. Instead I just went silent inside. Now I struggle to figure out who I am. What is it I want. What is my next chapter in life.
Much has changed and much remained the same. It is my intent to resume my writings and to make more of this blog. Feel free to follow my journey.

My Dad

It was five years ago today that my Dad passed away. It was a very difficult time. He was a man of few words, but you knew you better listen when he spoke. He was a very proud and stubborn man, but if he loved you, then he would do anything he could for you.

Our relationship was not always an easy one. How could it be, I was exactly like him and just as stubborn. He suffered alot of anguish during my teen years, but somehow we managed to overcome all that and still enjoy each other and have mutual respect and love for one another.

I remember growing up how everyone would tell me that I was just like my Dad. At the time that was not what I wanted to hear. As I grew and as I get older, I am extremely gratefull that I really am just like him. I wish I would have had more time to know him as a person, like I managed to do with my Mom. But it's ok, because deep down we knew each other. I knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. Nothing more needed to be said. But still one last conversation with him would be really nice to have. Here's to my my Dad. The Few, The Proud. A Marine through and through.

Memorial Weekend

Well, here it is. Memorial weekend, a time for us to remember our Troops in the armed services. As we all should. My own father was a Marine and served for over 20yrs. He passed back in June of 2006.

But this weekend is a time for me to reflect on other events as well that happened during this holiday weekend back in 2003. It was during this holiday weekend that I was asked to move to Chicago and begin a new aspect of my life.
I am so glad I said yes and made that move. Although I am alone now since his passing, it is always during this time that I think back to reflect and to remember.

Although it fills me with great sadness that he is no longer here, I am still so lucky to have had what time we did together. So with that said, this weekend will be spent honoring the rememberance of two men in my life who are very dear to my heart and greatly missed.

Dreams

Last night in my dreams, it was all about death. Not a good night to say the least. I was surrounded by it. Revisiting my Dads death, and Michaels. And one who is still alive. I know when that time comes it will take a very heavy toll on me. Thankfully for the time being it was only in my dream.