A World of Scott

My Dad

2011-06-08T11:30:00.002-05:00

It was five years ago today that my Dad passed away. It was a very difficult time. He was a man of few words, but you knew you better listen when he spoke. He was a very proud and stubborn man, but if he loved you, then he would do anything he could for you.

Our relationship was not always an easy one. How could it be, I was exactly like him and just as stubborn. He suffered alot of anguish during my teen years, but somehow we managed to overcome all that and still enjoy each other and have mutual respect and love for one another.

I remember growing up how everyone would tell me that I was just like my Dad. At the time that was not what I wanted to hear. As I grew and as I get older, I am extremely gratefull that I really am just like him. I wish I would have had more time to know him as a person, like I managed to do with my Mom. But it's ok, because deep down we knew each other. I knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. Nothing more needed to be said. But still one last conversation with him would be really nice to have. Here's to my my Dad. The Few, The Proud. A Marine through and through.

Memorial Weekend

2011-05-28T10:06:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is. Memorial weekend, a time for us to remember our Troops in the armed services. As we all should. My own father was a Marine and served for over 20yrs. He passed back in June of 2006.

But this weekend is a time for me to reflect on other events as well that happened during this holiday weekend back in 2003. It was during this holiday weekend that I was asked to move to Chicago and begin a new aspect of my life.
I am so glad I said yes and made that move. Although I am alone now since his passing, it is always during this time that I think back to reflect and to remember.

Although it fills me with great sadness that he is no longer here, I am still so lucky to have had what time we did together. So with that said, this weekend will be spent honoring the rememberance of two men in my life who are very dear to my heart and greatly missed.

Dreams

2011-04-20T10:28:00.002-05:00

Last night in my dreams, it was all about death. Not a good night to say the least. I was surrounded by it. Revisiting my Dads death, and Michaels. And one who is still alive. I know when that time comes it will take a very heavy toll on me. Thankfully for the time being it was only in my dream.

A Summer Day In Spring

2011-04-10T20:44:00.002-05:00

The weather was so great today. We topped off in the mid 80's and abundant sunshine. It was such a nice change. I threw open the windows and basked in the warmth. I know it was only for the day but it's a reminder of what is just around the corner.

Dropped!!

2011-04-05T10:46:00.004-05:00

Friends, unfortunately some of them come and go. And that's to be expected, people change and their lives evolve and they move on. What is sad though is when someone you thought was your friend suddenly just disappears from your life. No reason why, no returned commuications telling you what happened. It's as if you just cease to exist. You're just dropped from their life. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. I just wish people would have the maturity to tell me this and inform me that my friendship is no longer desired or wanted. At least then you know instead of wondering what you did or what changed that brought the friendship to a close. I think it's only polite to be told you're being dropped as a friend.

Peace Within

2011-04-03T21:36:00.003-05:00

I think it's important for everyone to take time, and to reflect and look at their inner self. You might be surprised at what you discover. The desire for me to do this is that it allows me the chance to make sure I'm ok that I am doing well and am happy with who I am as a person. Evenings or later in the night is always the time in which I do this. Sometimes I find I'm not doing so well and then there are times were I am really happy at the peace that I have within myself. I recommend everyone doing it at some point. It can tell you alot about yourself.

Death

2011-03-30T09:58:00.003-05:00

I think about it a lot. Usually not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. I will start to wonder if the place or places I am driving to will be the day that I have a fatal accident. Or as I am walking somewhere I will have a similiar thought. I know it's morbid. I don't do this on purpose, it just seems to be were my thought pattern goes. Last night Winston my dog was extremely restless in his crate. He awoke me at 3:17 in the morning, he wasn't barking or making any noise, it was the way he was moving around or possibly pulling at the crate door that woke me. I thought maybe he wasn't well, so I checked on him. He seemed fine, no mess or anything. So I went back to bed. A few minutes later he was back at it. So I lay there thinking ok, maybe he senses something I don't. Maybe there is something about to happen in the building and this is his way of alerting me. So I got up, got dressed, took him out for a quick walk, which seemed to be what he needed. Got back into the condo. Put him back to bed and just laid there. Listening to the night. Wondering about things that could go wrong and could this be the night. Well shortly after 5am he started back up again. I was not amused. Back outside we went. Then back inside and this time I let him sleep in my room. But the thoughts of something being wrong still loomed large in my thoughts. Tragic events that happen to us in our life really do change one's perception of things and how we think. Mine happens to be death.

Who's Left?

2011-03-22T13:47:00.002-05:00

A friend and I have been reminincing about when we were younger, and I began to wonder about the people in my life and who I feel really know me. And I don't mean just know me. I mean who really knows me. Who is left in my life that can remind me of things that we did or said as a young man or a teenager even. Or even how I once thought of something.
And I realized there are not alot of those people left. It made me sad. Granted there are still people in my life who know a great deal about me, but it still makes me wonder about who's left.

A Hint Of Spring

2011-03-16T19:50:00.002-05:00

The weather was awesome today, topped off around 60 and sunny. I had to run errands out in the suburbs. So on my way home as I was cruising Lake Shore Drive I dropped the top on the car. I love days like this.
Then I putzed around on the rooftop deck. Just checking things out and enjoying the sunshine. I am so ready to get everything in place up there for the summer months. It's just a matter of time of now and I for one can't wait.

Full Circle

2011-03-14T11:37:00.002-05:00

Well today I got a shocking notice in my email, an old friend had finally found me on Facebook and wanted to "friend" me. I was startled, rumour had it that he had passed. I guess it was a bad rumour. He was alive and kicking. I was thrilled, I had never totally believed the rumour and had tried over the years to varify it. To no avail.

This is a man who I had known since my late teens and we lived and experienced so much together as young gay men. I think of the things we did, the places we went. The romances that we got each other through, including our own. Though I don't think we ever really considered ourselves involved. We knew each other like no other. And I don't think there was anything that we did not share with the other. If there was trouble to get into we found it.

We got to talk on the phone this morning, and of course tried to catch each other up on our lives and what has happened over the last 15+ years since we had seen each other. It was a most wonderfull thing for me. And to hear his voice after all this time. A flood of memories to say the least. We have both aged of course and have taken some knocks from life. We are older and wiser, but I still felt that connection from all those years ago. I want to sit and talk with him, face to face. There is no one in my life who has known me longer and knows more about me then he.
With all the people that have re-entered my life I feel as though things have come full circle for me.
I am not sure that there is anyone left out there that I have not reconnected with that really matters to me. Maybe there is. But this one knocked me for a loop. I wanted to cry after our conversation. Tears of joy and sadness really, for all the time that has come and gone and things that have yet to come.

And I know that it is because of Michael's death that these things matter to me. I am still learning. And still living this thing called life. I realize that people enter your life at different times, some stay a part of your, and some do not. But I am gratefull for the ones have stayed in mine.

Sleeping Alone

2011-03-11T17:45:00.002-06:00

It's still the one thing I hate about being single. Sleeping Alone. Not all the time, but I have my nights. There are nights were I have to force myself to go bed. It's like I would rather do anything then face my bed alone. Some nights I just want someone to snuggle up next to. I want the warmth and security of a man. To hold me and touch me and share my thoughts with. To lay my head on his shoulder.

I'm sure some people would enjoy being able to have a bed to themselves. And I guess if I was living with a man as a couple maybe I would enjoy those nights, but I don't. So for me it is one of the things I miss the most. That and waking up next to someone. Thankfully I don't miss that as much as I do sleeping with someone.

Walk The Talk

2011-03-04T11:20:00.002-06:00

It always amazes me how people can talk a great game. They come off saying all the things that they think you want to hear. When in reality you just want the truth. I think all of us want that, though some have a harder time dealing with it then others. Don't ask someone what they think if you can't handle the truth.

But why is it people would rather say one thing when they really mean another? Do they think that they are being kind and making it easier for that person? I have always been told that I am to honest, and that what I say comes across as cold and blunt. No matter how much diplomacy I use I still am told that. Is it because they weren't ready to hear it or would they rather I had lied and told them what I think they wanted to hear?

I personally want the truth, no matter how much it might hurt. I would rather have that then be lead to believe that it is something else. Do people just have a hard time being honest or is it that they are afraid of the repercussions from being honest? And why would there be any if the other person really wanted to hear the truth. So who is wrong here? If people are honest and really mean what they say, then why is it some many can't walk the talk?

Dating

2011-02-22T11:22:00.002-06:00

What can I say, I went out on a date. Shocking I know as I have not dated much since my life got flipped upside down. Thankfully he was a nice, sane guy. Or so he seems at this point. It was very unexpected. But I went with it and am glad I did. But it did make me realize that I really am ready to date someone, or so I seem to think.

I'm not looking to date alot of guys, just one would do it. But I do have my likes and dislikes in a man. So far this one at least fits the look I find appealing, he also has a quick wit about him and likes to laugh. We spent almost 2 hours at dinner. Does that mean the date went well? I did get a good night kiss, actually it was more like kisses.

Not sure what's gonna happen with it. But that's not my concern at this point. We still have to see if we click in the bedrooom department. Not sure when that's gonna happen, but I'm not in a rush for that either. We're supposed to see each again this week. My question to myself at this point is am I really ready for another date?

There are times I really want someone in my life and then others were I don't. It's a balancing act I guess. I just don't know if I'm good at it anymore. I guess time will tell and it can be entertaining if nothing else, long as they aren't bad dates I guess it's ok. I just don't like kissing frogs.

It's The Little Things

2011-02-18T16:12:00.002-06:00

I have to come to realize, that as a single man there are things I miss about no longer have someone in my life. I can endure many things. I'm strong like that. But every now and then I wish that there was someone here for me in more then a friendship kind of way.

I miss not having someone to talk to during the course of my day, you know. When you call just to say "hi, how's your day going?".
I miss having someone touch me in a moment of embrace, whether a hand on my back or slipping their hand into mine.
You see, it really is the little things that we end up missing the most. I hope I have that again someday. But as I have learned, there are no guarantees in life. But still, it would be nice.

You Tease...

2011-02-18T16:02:00.002-06:00

The weather has been so nice this week, with temps in the low to upper 40's and even above 50 on one day. But I know in my heart it's just one great big tease. Monther Nature gets all excited because of the warmer weather then, BAM, she's gonna hit us again with another dose of winter reality.
Oh well, it's still nice to have the nicer weather. And it just makes me for long spring even more.
Chicago in spring time is beautiful to me. So many tress and plants blooming everything and everyone feels and alive and comes out of their winter hiding. But until then I guess I'll take the hint and tease of spring to come.

Expectations

2011-02-15T11:13:00.003-06:00

We all have them, sometimes they are met and other times not so much. I try not to expect anything. But I'm human and I do. So I hate it when I let myself get down and depressed when someone or something does not meet what I expected. It's funny how it can affect my whole mood for the day and night.

But every now and then, we get a little something that helps to lift that bad feeling from being let down. And I realized last night, that it's been a long time since I had any hopes or expectations of anything or anyone. It was both good and bad. It made me aware of the fact that I am still alive, that in and of itself is great.

But it also made me realize that I should not do that again. It's my life, the good and the bad. If I don't expect anything, then whatever I do get is just a bonus and then I won't suffer from disappointment when my expectations are not met.

You Can't Go Back....

2011-02-06T09:24:00.005-06:00

Well I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks, with my final destination being Key West. This is where it all started for Michael and I. Since his death I have not been back here having sold our home here last year. And while I have enjoyed it and have loved the warmth and sunshine I have realized that it no longer has the allure that it once did.

Like all places, change is a given and the Keys are no exception. It's still beautiful and very laid back, but it's different now. I was shocked to hear of some of the rumors that went around down here regarding Michaels death. But also very saddened by them.

I actually had even thought of buying another home here in the future, but I realized that I can't recapture what once was. And though I will always hold Key West dear to my heart it is now time to let go and move forward because as hard as you may try, you can't go back.

I am ready for my home in Chicago and what lies ahead for me. Coming back here I think was just what I needed to do. Is another love in the cards for me? I don't know. I would like to think so. Time will tell I guess.

I'm Ready.....

2011-01-25T17:44:00.002-06:00

Well after over 2 years of not going on vacation I have decided it is High Time I got away. I guess winters in Chicago will do that to you. So my bags are packed, the gas tank is full and I
have made arraingements for Winston to be cared for. Look out Florida here I come.

I will be making stops along the way to see friends and family but my final destination is Key West. I have not been since Michael's death, it is also the place where it all started for he and I.
Bittersweet I am sure it will be at times, but it's time for me to get away and feel some warmth and I can think of no place better. It was always our second home.

It will be a long drive but it will be a chance to reconnect with myself and just enjoy a trip with no rushing, no airplane to catch. It's on my time and my schedule. And I for one can't wait.

Checking In...

2010-12-19T12:36:00.002-06:00

Well I see it's been sometime since I have posted anything so I thought I should check in. Winter has set in here in Chicago. The weather has been rough for this time of year. Its been in the teens and twenties during the day and very cold at night. Everything is still draped in snow. With more on the way coming this week.

It's been a busy week for me socially and I have enjoyed it. I have met some really nice people and have spent time getting to know some of the others a little better. My friend Jim is home and has kept me busy. I love him for that.

The Holiday season is here and I can't believe the year is coming to a close. Its been an interesting year with lots of changes. But all were necessary for me to move forward in life.
I think I might actaully be looking forward to the New Year. Who knows I might be ready to even venture out with travelling. Time will tell.
So, just wanted to update and put something out here on this boring blog of mine.

It's Thanksgiving Day

2010-11-25T10:08:00.002-06:00

It's Thanksgiving Day. My first holiday of the season in my new home. The clouds are gray and and it's cold and wet out with a chance of a wintery mix as the day wears on.
I am cooking dinner today and am very happy with that. It's a moving forward aspect of my life and it's what I keep doing.
But beyond that I am gratefull for many things. My family and friends who have patiently supported me through the last year plus. As well as the new friends I have met since moving.
I hope its a Very Happy Thanksgiving for everyone.

November 24th..

2010-11-24T10:11:00.004-06:00

Michael, today you would have been 54. I wish you were here to celebrate that. But I will celebrate it for you. Happy Birthday Michael.

Memories...

2010-11-12T21:13:00.002-06:00

Memories of you still haunt me. Your face I see, your laughter I hear. Please whisper in my ear like you use to. I miss your touch. Memories of you still haunt me, everynight. Even in my dreams. Take my hand once again.
Your voice I still hear, if only in my mind. These memories of you I cherish. Even as the tears stain my cheeks. I miss you everyday Michael. TMD.

Conversations......

2010-10-13T12:07:00.002-05:00

Lots of dreams last night. Two of them containing talking to Michael, so much so that I woke myself up still talking to him. I wish I could remember them. I know they were good and that they made me smile. I swore each time I woke up I would remember them. Yet now I can't.
But it was still so great to talk to him if only in my dreams.

The Future?

2010-10-08T20:35:00.002-05:00

I was asked the question last night about my future and where I see it. It startled me and I had to think. My honest answer was "I don't see a future for myself". How sad I was when I thought of it and of my answer. My follow up comment was that I hoped to still be living. My answer and comments to that question have haunted me ever since. Do I have a future? I would like to think that I do. I just can't see it right now, at least I hope that is the case.
The Future??????

Life....

2010-10-03T11:34:00.002-05:00

Life as I know it includes gray skies with no sunshine. It is very bleak in my world. I try, oh how I try to let the sun in. But it always seems just out of my grasp. My heart and soul seems bound by pain. My world is one that is void of color, no matter my attempts to paint it as something else.

I keep waiting for the day when I can walk in the sun again. To have these heavy chains lifted from my heart. To not have the ache that always is there. A picture I see is no longer of you and me. To wake in the morning and look forward to the day, instead of it being one full of dread. This is my life as I know it.

The world turns and life goes on. I just am not sure how I go on. Without you is there really any reason for it to.

Some Days .....

2010-08-19T20:48:00.002-05:00

Some days I get up and go about my life and I seem and act relatively normal. With few thoughts of last summer. Then there are days were I just can't shake it. It's always front and forward in my thoughts.
Then there are days were my heart just hurts, and I feel the void greatly that loosing Michael has left me with. That has been my week. My heart has just hurt. All week. I try to keep busy. To keep my mind occupied with things other then my heartache. It has gotten better as the week has progressed but the pain is always there. Just below the surface. Waiting.
But I will get up tomorrow again and face the day and hope that it is not another one of those DAYS.

Friendships

2010-08-11T19:42:00.002-05:00

I find it interesting how events and time changes the dynamics of people that you used to call Friend. With some people it comes very easy and little work or effort is needed to sustain it.
While there are others that take so much time and effort and cultivating. Yet some of these same people seem unable to do the same.

Then there are those that you thought you were Friends with only to find out later in life that, no, you really were never friends. What happened to make these people seem to flee from your life? Death is what happened.

And then there are some that over the course of time, fall by the wayside due to maturity. Distance. Any number of things really. But then there are some that enter your life again after a long absence. And you think, oh yes. I remember you and why I thought we were friends.

Friendships. They come and they go.

Rewind And Push Play....

2010-08-02T20:18:00.002-05:00

So I had a dream last night. I am usually not one to talk about my dreams, but this one was so vivid and real. It was like someone had recorded events in my life and I found myself reliving the events all over again.

The dream all centered around Michael's death and it was happening all over again. Step by step. Each moment, from the time of being told that he was dead all the way up to his wake. It was so real and so painfull. I felt I was in a time warp. The conversations that I had, the pain and the heartache. It was truly as if someone had hit rewind and then pushed play on my life.

Not a dream or aspect of my life I wish to revisit.

A Visit From Mom

2010-07-15T15:24:00.002-05:00

Well my Mom flew in on Thursday of last week, it was great to see her. It dawned on me a few days before her arrival that I had not seen her in a year. Not since Michael's death.

We had a wonderfull time. Lots of great talks. Great food. And she got to hang with some of my friends. And they all seem to love my Mom. It was not as long as I would have liked but it was a great time. And she got to see the new home, and that makes her happy.

Down By The Lake

2010-07-02T21:00:00.002-05:00

So, since my move I sometimes walk over to the lake and just sit. It's just a few blocks from my house and it's one of the things I love about my neighborhood. I go and sit and reflect and I also talk to Michael. I feel very close to him there. We spent so much time together boating on that very like and it's where I feel him most around me at times. I hadn't thought much of it until this evening. That's when it dawned on me. It was a moment of tears but also of comfort.

One Year Ago...

2010-06-27T09:25:00.003-05:00

So today is exactly one year to the day that my life changed. Tomorrow will be a year to the date. It's been a difficult year. This time last year was about celebrating Pride and again today it is about that. But, it is also a day for me to celebrate the Life of Michael.

My days are not the same without you. My life certainly is not the same. Not a day goes by that you are not thought of and missed and loved. I only wish you could be here. But I will lift a glass of champagne in your honor and tell you once again. TMD Michael. TMD.....

The Big Move

2010-06-01T22:29:00.006-05:00

So, the BIG move was Saturday the 22nd of May, I was up early, and by that I mean before 6am. Started getting the last few things done before the movers rolled up somewhere between 7:30 and 8:00 am, only to be called and told, oopps we have a brake problem. They would arrive no later then 9am. Well they got there by 8:30 and all went well and we were downtown at the new place before noon.

Well that was great, except, all the people on my street decided to ignore the no parking signs and blocked the area in front of my new building. So we waited, and we waited and waited. Finally they started to unload, and were finished by 4:30. They were great.

Well it's now been just over a week at the new place. All boxes are unpacked except for the office ones, but they can wait. Furniture has been arranged and rearranged. And some new items bought. Art work is starting to go up and colors are being picked for the walls. All in all not to bad for just over a week.

I love the new home, I love the space and I love the neighborhood. I can walk a couple of blocks down and be at the lake front. Winston is adjusting. I had to put to Paris down a week before the move and that broke my heart. But it was the best thing for her and that's what matters. But still another lose in my life that has brought me pain.

I look forward to enjoying my life here and considering all that has taken place over the course of the last year I think that's pretty awesome.

Where Did You Go?

2010-05-09T20:39:00.003-05:00

I sometimes look at pictures of Michael, and I think "How did this happen, where did you go"?
It just is so bizzare to me that someone that I loved so much and so deeply could be taken in a blink of an eye.

I mean, I know it happens. I am not the only one who feels this way. But, there are days I just can NOT fathom that he is not here. I think to myself. Where Did You Go????? Why are you not here? How could you have been taken from this world when you still had so much to give.

I just don't understand somedays. Today is one of those of days. I have felt very lonely all day. I have had moments were I have thought "God who can I call and talk to". But there is no one. It is just me, alone with my thoughts and memories.
And I look at a picture of Micahel and all I can think is "Where Did You Go"?

Key West........

2010-05-05T17:55:00.002-05:00

As of this afternoon, I no longer own our Condo in Key West. Some what bitter sweet. But the right thing to do. I will miss it and what was our home away from home.
Key West was were Michael and I meet all those years ago, who knew that our lives would be bound so tightly together.
I will miss it dearly, just as I miss him, but life marches on.....

The Process Of Moving...

2010-04-27T20:35:00.002-05:00

So, the process now starts. I have made my selection, the deal has been sealed and it comes down to the closing and me packing up the house. It's a process I personally thought I would never go through again.
I thought when we moved into this home that would be it. I actually recall Michael and I having that conversation. That, that was it, we were not moving again. Funny how that has now changed.
He is no longer here, and what once was our home, now waits for someone else to claim it. I will be moving into a new home. Something that is just mine, but I will take Michael's memory with me and the many things he taught me about life.
The process is a bit tedious, but it is a chance to purge. I think it is something we all need to do from time to time.
I had meant this to be a more light hearted posting, but it is the 28th of the month, and let's face it. You never know what my mood will be like on that day of the month. And on that note I am ending this post.

Conversations

2010-04-21T20:06:00.002-05:00

You know I find if you give people the chance, whether it's family, friends or just people you care about, the chance to talk, it is amazing the things they will tell you. I have had the good fortune to have two great conversations over the last couple of days. And I am truly thankful for the time we spent talking.

All you have to do is listen, and they in return listen to you. The art of conversation is a lost thing to some. Pity, there is so much you can know about someone if you just listen.

Moving Forward

2010-04-17T21:20:00.003-05:00

So I finanlly found a place to call home. Over the past year I decided to put my home up for sale as I felt it was time to move into the city, and break away from what has in some ways become my prison.

It is a fabulous condo, with lots of space and room for me to grow and spread my wings, and to enjoy life once again.

I am truly looking forward to the move and am excited about something finally. It's a wonderful feeling. I will be moving mid May if all goes as planned. It's time to move forward.

In The 9th Month

2010-03-29T20:22:00.002-05:00

As executor and heir to Michael's estate I am required by law to file and pay All taxes by the end of the 9th month upon his death. Today was that day. And so it has been done.

Last week was an extremely emotional one for me. It had not been that bad for me since the early days of his death. But I survived it. And so my life continues to move forward. With a great pain in my heart, but none the less it goes on.

Some days are better then others, but what can you do. You find a way. And so it is.

AH A SPRING DAY

2010-03-16T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well I know it's early in the season still, but it truly felt like a spring day today. Blue skies and abundant sunshine. It is awesome. Here I sit, outside on my deck, shorts and sandals on, drinking in the warmth of the sun.
Why I even took the little car out today for a spin with the top down. I feel like I have done nothing but hibernate since Michael's passing and the summer was cooler then normal and winter seemed to arrive early. So needless to say I am chomping at the bit for warmth and sunshine.

Well we have that in abundance today, I realize we could still have a set back around easter, but just knowing it's only weeks away makes it bearable if it turns cool or even cold again.
I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, today at least.

My only regret is that I know how much Michael would have loved a day like today. So I will appreciate it for the both of us. But with that said, there is nothing like the early onsite of spring to make one feel invigorated. Enjoy!!

Comfort Zones

2010-03-12T19:13:00.003-06:00

We all as human beings have our routines and daily rituals. Things we are comfortable with. Things that never change, things that are constant. But what happens when we step out of our Comfort Zone?

I am in the process of doing just that. My life got flipped upside down last summer. And as part of the healing process I am about to make major changes in my life. Leaving behind all the Comfort Zones I have become so accustomed to over the last 7 years.

Yes it's scary. Yes at times I feel so alone, actually I feel pretty alone all the time. But part of my makeup has always had a sense of adventure and while I may no longer have those places of comfort, I do have the will to move forward and make changes.

Sometimes we all need to step out of the Comfort Zone.

The 28th Of The Month

2010-02-28T11:16:00.002-06:00

So, it's the 28th of the Month. Some times it creeps up on me and I have no idea why it is when I wake up I seem so weepy. Why is it I can be listening to a song or doing something else and then all of sudden I am in tears. And then I know. It's the 28th. And that explains it all to me.

It's the anniversary of Michael's death, it's been 8 months now and there are times were it seems like it was just yesterday, and then are times were I can not believe so much time has passed. It's almost like a lock on time has occured. It keeps moving but my emotions don't always realize it.

I miss him terribly. How could I not. He had such a way about him and such a lock on my heart.

He still does really. So with that I say, TMD Michael, TMD...

How Does One Know?

2010-02-20T20:16:00.002-06:00

So here I sit, and my thoughts run rampant. Much has changed in my life, and I am on course with making even more changes and yet I always wonder and second guess myself on whether or not it really is the right thing. How does one ever really know?

I mean there are just so many times one can mull one's thoughts over before they start to drive you crazy. But it's always been my makeup to analize things over and over. It can make me very annoying I know. But even with all that I still never really know if the right decision has been made.

There is only one way to know, and that is to just do it. Then you KNOW. I am ready to make those changes and I am ready to find out if the right one was made. But there is no right or wrong decision in this. It's another chapter in my life. It's the world of Scott, now you know.

Snow Day....

2010-01-07T18:39:00.002-06:00

So, the snow started last night and with the exception of a pause here and there. Needless to say we got a fair amount of snow. Everything is blanketed in white. It so pretty outside. I love a good heavy snow. As long as I only have to get out and shovel the drive instead of driving in it. But I can do that to if that's what is needed.

The snow is still falling, and most likely will into tomorrow morning early afternoon. It is very calming, peacefull even. The view from my windows is pretty spectacular.

Learning To Adjust

2010-01-05T20:28:00.002-06:00

So, a new year has begun and I seem to be learning to adjust to my new way of life. My journey has not been easy and my grief has certainly held me back. But with the move into the new year I seem to have recovered some desire to live again, to want to do things.

Is it just that enough time has passed and my sorrow and feeling of loss has finally been dealt with? No, but at least I Want to do things again. I want to look good, I want to feel good. That in and of itself is a turn for me, I feel as if I had a death wish the last 6 months, hoping maybe. But that was not to be, maybe to easy huh?

But my point remains, the fact that I now seem to get up each day and instead of dreading it, I embrace it. I want to get things done, I have purpose as opposed to doing what had to be done.
I even went out to dinner by myself tonight. No one else, just me. Yes it would have been nice to have had company, but I didn't even feel the need to try and find someone who might want or could go have dinner with me. And I enjoyed it. A sad sight for some I am sure. But as I sat their enjoying my sushi dinner. I thought to myself "so this must have been what it was like for Michael and all the other people who have to travel from home and spend their evenings alone".
It was an eye opener.

I know this is not the end of my journey back to the living. But at least I am learning to adjust.

A New Year Begins.....

2010-01-01T15:00:00.002-06:00

So it is officially 2010. A New Year. The beginning of a new year always brings hope for changes and a chance to wipe the slate clean and start anew. 2009 was my most difficult year of my 44 years in life. But like everyone else I to hope to start fresh, not that I will ever forget the events of 2009. But the new year does bring a chance to at least hope for a year that will be better then the past one.

That is my hope for this New Year. To once again learn to live my life and to enjoy it and to accept the changes that have occured and to live with them, to cherish what once was and to embrace what will be.

Happy New Year 2010.
And to Michael, even though you are no longer with me, I can only say, TMD....

Happy Birthday..

2009-11-24T10:00:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Michael. You would have been 53 today. Your are missed and loved by so many. You touched so many peoples lives.

First Times ......

2009-11-23T19:02:00.001-06:00

Well I did not go to Key West this year for the annual Fantasy Fest event. It seemed so weird not to go this year, but without Michael it was probably best that I didn't. It would have been my first without him. Seems like there are so many first times without him.

Tomorrow would have been his 53rd birthday. And yet for me it is another first without him. Michael always had such a fear of dying young. His Mother died when she was 53 and it always haunted him and it was the only thing he feared. He used to tell me that he would give anything to have just one more conversation with her. I understand that feeling even better now.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, and yes another first for me. My first without him. I will be spending it instead with his brother's family. That is not something we ever did with them. As time passes by there will be so many other first that I experience without Michael.

But I will never forget the first time we met. Hard to believe that was over 10 years ago.

My Last Day At Work

2009-10-25T14:15:00.004-05:00

Well Friday October 23rd was my last day at my company. It was very bittersweet. Some tears, some laughter. Some very sweet comments from co-workers. And a really nice lunch with a couple of the sales reps.

It's hard to imagine not going there anymore, but I also know it was the right thing for me to do. I need to find a way to move forward in my life as opposed to feeling like I am locked in limbo.

Everything changed for me on June 28th, but my life has been as if nothing has changed. Like I am just waiting.

So now the next chapter of my life can begin. With a fresh new start and a way for me to move forward without Michael. It is so amazing to me how our lives were so tightly wound together what with work and our home life. It is a rare thing but one that worked for us so well.

My life will never be the same, it will just be different now, and it's up to me to figure out that new life. I am working to create that new chapter and it's one I look forward to.

A Change Is In The Air

2009-10-05T20:23:00.002-05:00

There is a change in the air, can you feel it? The days are growing shorter and a chill is in the air.
The leaves are starting to turn and soon they will be falling. Pumpkin patches are starting to appear.

Can you feel it? do you sense the changes? They are coming. Soon the trees and plants will go dormant as the chilly nights start to bring the first of the frost forming air.

Before we know it the first tiny flakes of snow will fall, blanketing us in white. A change is in the air. Some do not look forward to this change, I however welcome it. This is a change I look forward to. This is a change I am ready for.

A change is going to come.........

September 6th Part 2....

2009-09-17T19:48:00.003-05:00

So I wanted to follow up with my last post, so as not to lead anyone to think that my day was not a good one.

Quite the contrary. It was a very enjoyable day. A close friend came over and we spent the day out shopping and just enjoying the day. We stumbled across an art show and just enjoyed the afternoon of looking at various artists, making comments, some good, some not so good.

I found a great new piece to add to my collection and J found a photo that I that was very haunting yet inviting that he added to his collection.

After that it was off for a mexican dinner, which J is not found of at all but tolerates for me.
All in all a pretty great day. Thanks for making it so J.

September 6th......

2009-09-06T10:09:00.003-05:00

So today is my birthday, I am now 44 years old. So many years have come and gone, so many changes. Some good, some not good, one event was just the worst. But here I stand. I look in the mirror trying to see the man of my youth. He's not there. Still the same face, but it's the eyes that give it away.

A few more wrinkles here and there. The grey stands out a little more prominately, even more in the last few months.

They say with age comes wisdom, it is wisdom or just the reality of going through life? I find it harder to be carefree as I was in my youth. Now I comtemplate the facts before I make a decision. Is that wisdom or just fear?

Two Months Today..

2009-08-30T13:55:00.004-05:00

Well, today is a gorgeous day here in the burbs of Chicago, much like it was two months ago. I can't believe that it's been two months to the day since Michael died. I miss him terribly. I miss his voice, his laughter.

There are so many aspects of him that I miss.

I find myself stopping and thinking or even saying outloud "Where did you go Michael"? or "I can't believe that you're really not here with me". Yes life goes on, but it hurts still none the less. I am reminded of him everywhere I go, in almost everything I do. Our lives were that entertwined with each other.

So, in rememberance of Michael, I say "TMD Michael, TMD".

Hummingbirds

2009-08-15T00:06:00.004-05:00

My story of the hummingbirds.......

Last year late in spring Michael decided we should have a hummingbird feeder. So off we went to buy one, me knowing full well it was to late in the season to put one out. But I was always good for humoring Michael in the things he wanted.

So, we bought a hummingbird feeder, filled it up with sugary red water to attract them. And we waited, and we waited. Nothing. Michael said to me one day "I guess we waited to late to put one up huh"? I smiled and said "maybe so".

This spring we made sure to put out the feeder early so the birds would know they could come here to feed. So we waited and we waited. And again Michael turned to me and said "why haven't we seen any hummingbirds"? I looked at him and smiled and said " Well remember, we work all day and maybe they come around when we're not home". That seemed to satisfy his concern and on with life we went.

The day of Michael's wake I was upstairs at my desk, looking out over the backyard and what do I see at feeder? A tiny little hummingbird at the feeder. I smiled and tears came to my eyes.
Since that day, I have seen the hummingbirds often, one day there was one feeding on the flowers of the trumpeter vine right outside the breakfast nook windows. After it was done feeding it paused for a moment at the window and looked in, as if to say "Hello in there".

I imagine they will be back from time to time.

When You Least Expect It...

2009-07-10T21:55:00.006-05:00

Any of you who have read my blog as of late know that I recently lost Michael. It is the most gut wrenching, heart breaking thing that I have ever endured.

There is nothing like having someone taken from you so tragically and no chance to say all the things you want to say.

I miss him terribly, I wander through this house of ours, and am constantly reminded of all things him and us. Our house was our dream home, it was filled with love and laughter and friends.

To anyone who might read this, PLEASE, I beg you, live your life like there is no tomorrow. Always tell the ones you love that you do love them, for you may or they may not get a second chance to say it

I miss you Michael.

TMD

In Loving Memory...

2009-07-03T01:40:00.003-05:00

I lost Michael (M) on Sunday June 28th 2009. Michael was with out doubt the finest man one could ever meet. There was no one better, no one more giving, more accepting and more understanding then Michael. My heart aches and my life will never be the same without him.

I am a better man for having known him.

TMD MICHAEL.

This Thing Called Life

2009-06-22T18:31:00.002-05:00

Life, some days it's great, some days it's just so so and some days it just feels like nothing is going right. But I believe that we should each stop and think, OK somewhere, someone has it much worse than I.

Life is what we make it after all, and given a day that maybe is not so great do we ever stop to think "OK, what can I do to turn this day around"?
Maybe if we took that outlook on all aspects of our life we would all have better days and a more enriched experience and less to grumble about as a whole.

Yes some days are more difficult, but do they have to be? Don't we have the power to stop the day from continuing down that path and turn a bad day into a good one?
This thing called life after all does not come with a manual that you can just flip through to solve a problem. There is no troubleshooting section, just whatever knowledge we have or others have passed onto us.

Enjoy your life, focus on the good, not the bad. Remember, it is our life after all and we control it, others may visit it, but it belongs to us.
Live, Laugh and Love through this thing called LIFE.

Past, Present and Future

2009-06-15T20:13:00.002-05:00

This is the story of two people, strangers at first. Each know nothing of the other.
Just the desire to consume each others flesh. To bask in the after glow.

A relationship formed out of convenience at first, more then any real bond.
Each fulfilling a need within the other. A relationship soon forms.
And the fire grows within.

What will happen now, where are they today?
All we know of them is their past and the present.
But what about the future.......

Negative or Positive?

2009-06-09T18:03:00.002-05:00

That's my question, if presented with a situation do you go for the negative aspect of it? Or do you look for the positive side?

I think it's our nature to first think a negative thought, especially if the situation is not a favorable one, were as we have to stop a moment and ponder things before we can make a positive thought and look for the good.

I try to always see the positive and look for the good, but I know there are times when I go for that negative thought first. So going forward, it's a more positive spin that I will be looking for.

So the next time you are presented with a situation, ask yourself this. Negative or Positive?

Nature

2009-06-06T14:17:00.002-05:00

Birds are chirping outside my window, everything is very lush and green from all the rain we have had. But the birds sing anyway.

As I was laying in bed this morning I turned and looked outside my bedroom window, and I spied the bird that had been so vocal, tucked safely in his/her nest, singing and waiting for it's Mother to come and feed him.

Who knew such a tiny thing could be so chirpy, and as I laid there watching the new born bird sing, who should show up but Momma bird herself to feed her young, and I thought it was so great that by just looking out my window I could be a witness to such a moment in nature.
All one has to is open their eyes, you never know what you might see.

Lines From A Song

2009-05-31T11:28:00.002-05:00

"DYING IS EASY, IT'S LIVING THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH". Wow what a line huh.
Yet so true, and I never used to think that. Dying was what scared me, I couldn't fathom the idea but now as I get older and people have come and gone from my life, I realize that living really is the hard part, is this the "Hell"? And death is nothing more then "Heaven"? Because surely nothing can be as difficult or as hard at times as just living life.

They say with age comes wisdom, I also think that it prepares us for accepting things that use to scare us. Death I no longer fear, living my life is another matter, that I find is what scares me.

Drop The Top Baby

2009-05-29T18:49:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have to say it. There is nothing like leaving work on Friday, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, a light breeze is blowing and I get to drop the top on my TT and cruise on home.

It truly does help to melt the stress and strains of the week by driving home with the sun in my face and the music cranked up. It's such a great way to end the work week.

Chicken Hooters???

2009-05-25T19:05:00.003-05:00

Really? Chickens have hooters??? Do the Roosters all stare and gawk and make catcalls at the hens as they pass by, nudging each other in the sides as if to say "hey, get a look at those hooters".

My Family And Facebook.......

2009-05-25T18:35:00.002-05:00

So being from the south I just happen to come from a very large family, 13 on my Mom's side and something like 11 or so on my Dad's, unfortunately we weren't as close to my Dad's side as my Mom's.
Most all of my cousins are close in age and so during the summer we spent alot of time hanging out together and driving the parents crazy, some of us were closer then others, but I would say we all loved each other. As we got older some of us moved away while some stayed in the general area and over time we only saw each other on the rare occassion.

Well a few years ago upon our Grandmothers death we all vowed to be better about staying in touch and not letting so much time pass before we gathered again or at least not let the gathering happen because of a funeral.
Emails were exchanged, phones numbers updated and off we went our seperate ways.
And while I did try my best to stay in touch I found the others not so willing, so I finally let it go and went on with my life.

When my Dad died back in June of 2006 ( I miss you Dad) once again the family all gathered and everyone agreed, again, we really should stay in touch, I just smiled and nodded while the bubble above my head said "yea right". I did not even make the attempt, I knew better.

So last week I finally created a Facebook page, and no sooner had I finished completing the few steps and my account activated when I was bombarded by "Friend" request from almost my entire family.I was startled, shocked and amazed that they were ALL on Facebook. It was as if they had all just been waiting for me to catch up and get with the program. I begrudingly accepted each "Friend" request, thinking the whole time, you can't stay in touch by any other means then this?

While the bubble above my head said "yea right".

A Wonderful Sunday

2009-05-18T19:25:00.001-05:00

Well what a wonderful Sunday it was. I was up at 7am so M and I could be on our way downtown by 8:15 for what has become our annual May voyage up to Winthrop Harbour where the boat is stored. A quick car ride into the city, then an almost 2 hour train ride, some laughs along the way and some quiet moments to just reflect as this is our first boating season with us no longer being a couple.

His brother was waiting for us upon our arrival and drove us on to the harbour and thankfully the boat was in the water and for the most part ready to go, we filled it up with gas and we were off on our way. The sun was shining bright but unfortunately it was really chilly so jackets and jeans were the dress code instead of my usual speedo, oh well plenty of time for that later.

The water was pretty calm, only waves of about one foot. M set it to autopilot and off we went. A great ride down to the city of Chicago, by the time all was said and done it was after 3 in the afternoon. M commented as the boat cruised closer to our harbour that it was like coming home. I could not have agreed more.

What a great way to spend the day. I can only hope that everyone got out and did something to enjoy the day and reflect on life.

Spring

2009-05-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

I love a beautiful spring day.
A hint of chill in the morning when you first rise.
The warmth of the sun on your face.
The clear blue skies.
The drive home from work and it's warm enough to drop the top.
A brisk walk in the evening before the sun sets and everything around you is green and in bloom.
Spring can really hang you up the most.

Words From The Past

2009-05-10T14:59:00.001-05:00

So the following is a Piece that I wrote back into 1990, though I'd share it.

"Looking back, our past is our future, times shared, words spoken.
A kiss or touch, are you getting scared?

In one hand I see why I stay with you, for no one has loved me as you.
Never have I given so much of myself.
The other hand is unknown.

Like sands from an hour glass our time is running out. Yet something
in me continues to try and stop time.
But with the will of my own I'm gone."